Of bugs and festivals
Thursday, May 24, 2007
I’m not sure if you’ve heard of this movie called Spiderman 3, but many people have told me that this movie is the best thing since sliced bread. I really appreciate sliced bread, and decided to watch this movie, because I could not convince myself that this could be THE movie that is better than sliced bread.
Basically, the movie is about self-sacrifice, and the importance of friends.
It stars Spiderman,
Kirsten Dunst,
and another guy.
In this installment of the franchise, Spiderman is trying his hardest to get rid of Kirsten’s character because she is downright ugly.
In an ‘eureka!’ moment, he smears goo all over himself and fools her into thinking that he is actually another guy. To top it up, Spiderman even does a little bad dancing to weird jazz music, just in case Kirsten refuses to leave him.
Broken-hearted, Kirsten meets up with Spiderman’s good friend, the other guy (known in some circles as Harry Osborn). Kirsten sneaks into that guy’s kitchen and tries to make scrambled eggs, inadvertently causing a mess in his kitchen.
Spiderman finds out about that guy’s predicament and became very guilty. Even though he hated Kirsten, it was never his wish to let another man live with her ugliness. In a monumental moment at a church complete with grand organ music, he scrapes off the goo and decides to woo Kirsten back.
Kirsten abandons Harry and hooks up with Spiderman once again. Harry is extremely touched by Spiderman’s self-sacrifice and decides to join Spiderman in the superhero business.
But alas! Harry just could not cut it as a superhero and he dies when he jumped straight into some sharp thingamajig.
Everybody else, however, lived happily ever after. At least until Spiderman 4 comes along and Spiderman realises once again, that Kirsten is just too ugly.
This movie, although creative, is definitely not in the same league as sliced bread. Nonetheless, I have to give Kirsten Dunst credit. This movie would have never worked without her, and her lack of looks:
On another note, National Day is coming!
Basically, National Day, for the uninformed, is Singapore’s version of Independence Day, with a lot less fireworks and tonnes of people with synchronised bad dance moves.
Anyway, since they have been demolishing the Kallang Stadium for the past century, this year’s re-run of last year’s show will be held at Marina Bay instead.
On two concrete slabs.
Apparently, these slabs are fitted with an internal drainage system, cabling structures and lightning conductors.
Maybe I lost my attention somewhere, but I have this sneaky suspicion that nobody said anything about precautions against the platform actually collapsing.
This year’s National Day Re-run might actually be dangerous. Be careful folks, if you happen to win any tickets, sell them on Yahoo Auctions! It can save your life!
Anyway, to the important stuff.
I got a new haircut again!
However, I am not entirely happy with it.
An ex-colleague of mine saw it and said that it’s ‘cute’.
Look people, it is not cute. In fact, I am never cute. I am cool and hip. That’s right, kids, cool and hip.
I’m so cool my mum stores food inside me sometimes; and I’m so hip I can’t see past my pelvis.
Definitely not cute.
Author: Ye » Comments:
A few tips for the kids
Sunday, May 13, 2007
I can’t really sleep tonight, so I guess the best thing to do is to type something and hopefully fall asleep halfway through.
I recently realised that I am now 20, and is technically one-third of the way towards my expiry date. I also realised that in my entire life so far, I have never really given anyone advice. Hence, I have decided to do some good to society and post some tips for the kids on my blog.
Why my blog? Well, first and foremost, my blog is a true blue family-oriented read.
I am serious. The blog address contains the word ‘love’ and every page is accompanied by a red-and-black rainbow that looks like artwork from a kindergarten. Doesn’t that make you just wanna hug someone?
Furthermore, the content is totally geared towards family-reading. Just check out my entries about milk, studies, health issues, and even sexual harassment at the workplace! There’s something for everyone here.
Hence, without further ado, I bring to you HongXiang’s Tips for the Kids©!
1) Do not trust your teachers.
I am speaking from experience.
During my primary school days, I didn't do my homework much. My teachers used to tell me that if I don’t do my homework, I will end up in EM3 and not be able to make it to Anderson Sec.
I stayed in EM1 and qualified for Anderson Sec.
During my secondary school days, I got smarter and started copying homework, instead of just doing them. My teachers said that they will find the ones who are copying, and make sure they get expelled.
They never found out about me, and I stayed in Anderson Sec for four years before graduating with a few As.
During my poly days, I skipped school regularly. My lecturers (yep, even teachers get upgrades!) said that if I continue to cut classes, I won’t be able to finish in three years.
I thought, ‘What the heck?’, and continued skipping classes. I graduated within three years.
As you can see, teachers are usually not very good at predicting the future. Therefore, never believe a teacher when they tell you ‘you will never make it’.
Really, at the end of it all, we are beautiful, no matter what they say.
2) NS is really bad
Once again, I am speaking from experience.
I have been enlisted for about six months now, and here’s a short summary of how it has been so far:
The first month was really bad.
The second month got worse.
The third month was the worst.
And then it sort of went into a decline after that.
However, as tragic as NS may seem, it is good to motivate yourself during the two year stint. One good way, as I found, is to tell yourself that NS is actually a devious scheme concocted by the wrinkled things at AWARE.
No, really. ALL guys have to serve two years, while the women are free to improve themselves and find real jobs. NS is, essentially, a scheme to give women a headstart in life.
I look around at the womenfolk in my office, and truly, they just reaffirm the fact that most women need this headstart desperately.
3) Obey the Law
The law is meant to protect all the rich people in the world, and poor folks like us should respect it all the time.
If you don’t, however, the police will come and catch you. They will ask you several thought-provoking questions, and then provide you with free food and lodging.
I guess the best way to deter crime is free food and lodging.
And no, I’m not speaking from experience on this one.
4) Make your dreams come true
Seriously though, we all ought to have dreams, and strive to make them reality.
This, however, does not apply to everyone.
For example, I am a good example of a person who should not make his/her dreams come true.
One of my most vivid dreams had me stuck inside a hash brown. Just imagine the possible health problems this may cause if it really took place.
Recently, I also dreamt that I was a Jewish robber who went around robbing my friends in a miniature Jeep. This, I think, may cause some friction between these friends and myself.
As you can see, this tip is not for everybody. If you find that making your dreams come true may conflict with Tip #3, STOP.
That’s all!
It doesn’t matter if you’re a kid physically, mentally, unfortunately or supposedly, all you have to do is to obey the four tips with maniacal fervor, and you will be just fine.
At least till you hit 20.
Author: Ye » Comments:
This post is about boobs
Thursday, May 03, 2007
Got your attention, haven’t I?
Bloody perverts.
However, this post came about after I told a colleague that Keira Knightley is within the top few of FHM’s Annual 100 Sexiest Women in the World poll.
She came in 12th, even though some reports claimed that she was top. The sexiest woman is apparently Jessica Alba.
Personally, I think that the voters are blind. I would go for Keira Knightley anytime, any day of the week. Just look and compare for yourself.
Here's Keira, looking smoldering as usual.
And here's Jessica, who looks like a tranny.
So, I told my colleague that Keira Knightley was amongst the top rankers for this year, and she was really surprised. Her first reaction was to say that ‘Keira Knightley doesn’t even have boobs!’, or something to that effect.
I could not find something to retort her with, because I think she was actually telling the truth.
However, I decided to take boobs really seriously. I fasted by steering clear of dairy products and spent 2 hours everyday in office musing about boobs. And my hard (no pun intended) work has paid off gloriously.
I arrived at the conclusion that boobs are overrated. Seriously.
Just look:
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Where was I?
Overrated, right. Yes, they are overrated.
This is because they are ubiquitous. Every other person in the world has a pair. Your mum has a pair, your granny has a pair, your sister has a pair, that butch in St Nicholas has a pair, heck, even my friend Amos has a pair!
So what’s the big deal with boobs?
They are just fats with a nipple on it. You see your thigh? Graft a nipple on it, and voila! Here’s a boob-above-the-knee. Who knows? One day, some scientist might even invent a removable nipple, and people can put it on their butts.
Put the nipples on, and you get two boobs. Take them off, and you get a butt. Makes things easier, doesn’t it?
And, as I mentioned earlier, boobs are everywhere. There are six billion people in the world, and half of it is made up of women. That means there are approximately three billion pairs of boobs to go around. I figured that it is more than enough, even if all the women turned lesbian overnight.
This is because there are three billion pairs of boobs. That means that there are six billion individual boobs scattered all over the world. Just enough for everyone. Isn’t that sweet?
If you are confused by all these statistical data, just look at this picture again:
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Uh, I think I need to go.
Author: Ye » Comments:
