And then, pieces from all over
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Voila!
Just when you thought that I forgot about this blog, and that there's a remote chance that this unholy creation may dwindle and die off, I'm back!
To be honest though, I did forget about this blog until a few friends of mine brought it up. So thanks to them, I shall plant my ass on my smelly cheap chair and make unfounded sarcastic remarks at everything!
Before that, however, I think it is only right that I explain my absence on the World Wide Web (or as some call it, 'Wow wow wow!') .
You see, blogging is a tiresome affair.
Well, probably not an affair, but tiresome nonetheless.
Anyway, it is extremely taxing for me because being Singaporean, I struggle at English. And like many comrades, I start every sentence with the same words. Thus, every blog entry of mine must be vetted by a team of grammar experts to prevent repetition.
Don't get it? Well, let me give you an example. Read this before you continue.
Done?
Now read my original draft:
I was going home today. And then, suddenly, I think of something. And then I change the 'r' in 'road' to 't'. And then I change the 'n' in 'naming' to 't'. And then I get 'toad taming'.
Get my point? Now I hope you understand that blogging is a serious and tiring business.
(Well, actually everything is tiring. With the exception of resting, I think.)
Anyway, to the serious stuff.
The tool I use to type rubbish, Blogger, has nicely updated themselves to include three new languages: Arabic, Hebrew and Persian.
They couldn't release one before the other, because that might cause a nuclear holocaust in the Middle East. Those people fight over everything. It's just their regional hobby I guess, like how South East Asians like to burn trees.
Great piece of news though, because now we can say something poignant and make people read it from right to left.
On a brighter note, I went to a wedding dinner the other day, and it was fantastic.
I wasn't really sure as to who the couple really was, but boy, the food was delicious. Every single dish was, in UtarEmpire's words, sex in the mouth.
I have to highlight the roasted suckling pig though. It's not too oily, and every bite brings forth a fresh tingle. I flipped the pig around and found that there was a light coat of chilli under the thin flesh. Amazing stuff.
I don't really have a picture of the roasted pig, but here's something that should give you a rough idea of what it looks like:
Anyhow, this is the website of the restaurant: www.gimtim.com.sg
Finally, to end this entry on a high, I have an announcement to make: I lost my phone!
And like most people, losing my phone also means losing my entire phonebook. It is a bitch, I know, but that's what life is all about.
So, to make things easier for me (because THAT'S what it's all about, not the Hokey-freaking-Pokey), please read the following descriptions of your relationship with me and perform the appropriate action:
1) You see me in real life all the time but you do not know my name. Everytime you look at me I hide behind something. I'm always loitering at your door.
If you fit this description, PLEASE GIVE ME YOUR NUMBER.
2) You see me in real life almost every week and I'm on your MSN list.
Don't bother doing anything, I probably have your number memorised. If not, you probably belong to group 3.
3) You see me in real life frequently and I'm on your MSN list. Sometimes, however, you see me offline for long periods and you have a sneaky feeling that I'm blocking you.
I'll ask for your number. If I need it.
4) I'm on your MSN list but we stopped meeting three years ago. Everytime either one of us starts talking to another, we go 'Sorry, but you are?'
Sorry, but you are?
5) You have never met me and you do not have my MSN. All you ever did was to read this blog.
I don't know who you are or what you do, but damn, you are one unlucky soul. Oh, and thank you for contributing to the numbers on the left. It means a lot to my ego.
Oh, and before I forget, UtarEmpire showed me this Youtube video the other day.
We decided over breakfast today that music has gone downhill ever since that fateful day when this song was released. No one ever came closer to musical nirvana than that. Not Michael Jackson, not Guns 'n' Roses, not Britney Spears. Hell, even Robert Plant pales in comparison.
So read my lips, my friends, for Rick is the new black.
Author: Ye » Comments:
Se7en
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
Once again, a year has gone by without me noticing it.
And like many New Years before this, I spent the first few minutes of 2008 alone at home, whimpering the final lines of Auld Lang Syne to myself.
Ah, gotta love these festivities.
Anyhow, it is also a time for us to look back on our previous resolutions, and see how far we have fallen from the bullseye and how much of a loser we have been. So to speak.
My previous resolutions for 2007 was to gain 15kg, save $500, learn how to cook 25 dishes and tidy up my room.
And I am extremely proud of myself, for I have surpassed the HongXiang of previous years.
I am one-third to completing the first resolution.
Therefore, I can safely say that I am 5kg heavier than the HongXiang from about 365 days before, although I still do not have much savings, still only know the ways about scrambled eggs, carbonara and albondigas, and I still can't differentiate between my bed and the desk in my room.
Hm, maybe looking back wasn't such a great idea. Well, I guess I'll have to look forward then.
Since another new year has begun, again, I shall list my resolutions for the year 2008. Again.
(Ed's Note: It's like a tradition, an old charter or something.)
Unlike previous years, however, I shall list things that I will not do, instead of things I will do. Simply because I personally prefer not doing anything over doing something.
Also, please note that this entry, in it's entirety, is sponsored by the Cheap Commercial Chocolate Coalition (CCCC)
(Ed's Note: If you are someone who detests the commercial taint on everything and denounces the material things in life, then kindly bugger off. I mean, you must be really busy making your own clothes by hand.)
(Ed's Note: I really like these ed's notes in brackets. They're like a running gag of this blog. Sometimes they're around, sometimes not. Then sometimes they just appear out of nowhere and make no sense.)
I have also been very inspired by this movie called Se7en (not featuring Count von Count), which basically shows the murder of seven people.
So without further ado, I present to you the 2008 resolutions of HongXiang. (Inspired by the Bible and sponsored by CCCC)
1) Lust
Ah, adultery and bestiality. I promise that I will stay away from these three ungodly activities. And I think, this is probably the easiest one. I cannot commit adultery because I'm not even in love.
Bestiality? Come on (no pun intended), the closest animals I have to me is a bunch of ants and a few baby roaches in office. I am Chinese but I'm already past puberty, man.
In fact, I'd rather eat M&Ms off a lady then commit adultery. Afterall, they melt in your mouth, not in your hands. And that's the way I like them ladies.
And by ladies, I mean chocolates.
2) Gluttony
This is an extremely tough one.
Anyone who knows me in real life (Ed's Note: Not you weird stalkers who read my blog) would know that I love Cheap Commercial Chocolates.
However, I am really lucky because one of the qualifiers for the sin of Gluttony is that one must consume till one causes shortages amongst the needy.
In all honesty, I don't think that the needy actually want that Kinder Bueno, with it's crispy wafer enclosing a rich, creamy hazelnut filling.
3) Greed
I have to admit, I crave every single Snickers bar out in the world.
Fortunately, this craving is not a perpetual one. I mean, sometimes I feel like gummy bears as well. Or sometimes, I think of money. So I guess I'm pretty much cleared on this one.
And I daresay that I have, and will, never peddle any of those wonderful little pieces of honey nougat-filled Toblerones in any places of faith, so I guess I will probably be innocent of Simony as well.
4) Sloth
This could be the one that kills me.
I mean, look at the time of posting! I'm in office, and all I'm doing is writing my resolutions on a blog that only I read.
However, I shall try to be not-so-slothful, because of the recent realisation that I am going to need a real job in about ten months, and that my current boss' testimonial will probably affect my next employment.
You can't blame me, though. Nobody can resist the temptation of having a break and having a Kit Kat.
(Ed's note: The previous sentence just committed the grammatical error of redundancy. However, I am a writer and therefore, I am allowed to do such things. It's called poetic license. So shove it.)
I mean, those Kit Kat wafer bars are just so light and fluffy!
5) Wrath
I don't really get angry unless I get provoked.
I mean it, asshole, so stop sniggering in your lousy excuse of a room.
Anyway, due to my Tellytubby-like personality, this is probably a no-brainer for me as well.
Unless, of course, you stole my Hershey's Kisses away. Which is actually a sin by itself, because I believe, and I quote the Bible here, 'thou shalt not covet another man's kiss'.
It's just wrong to steal my Kisses. They are so small and wonderful. In fact, nothing says 'I love you' like a packet of Hershey's Kisses. Perfect gifts for the upcoming Valentine's.
6) Envy
Like I said before, 'thou shalt not covet another man's kiss'.
I have never seeked another man's kiss, and I probably will not in 2008 as well.
However, I find myself filled with envy everytime I see a kid with a tube of Smarties. I admit, I have always fantasised of hitting a kid with an open tube of Smarties on the palms, so that all his Smarties will burst from his tube and shower over him.
(Ed's note: I swear that there is nothing sexual in that previous sentence.)
Even though it will probably be extremely difficult on me, I will have to grit my teeth and not hit any kids. Smarties are so damn good, they make me do things like that.
I will never know why, probably because only Smarties have the answer.
7) Pride
Allegedly the most serious of all seven.
However, I think this will probably be pretty damn easy for me. I don't even love myself!
Plus, I am awfully privileged to have the presence of Mars on this very Earth I walk on. In fact, I love Mars bars more than I love myself.
I mean, it contains wonderful layers of almonds, nougats and caramel. And as if to say 'Ha! You won't see this coming!', the inventor decided to wrap these layers in another layer of creamy, rich and smooth milk chocolate.
I certainly did not see that coming. I swear!*
And there you have it, the seven sins that I will not commit in 2008. Or at least I'll try not to.
Well, like all sponsored blog entries, this entry has a contest as well.
(Ed's note: It's like a tradition, an old charter or something.)
This one goes like this -
All you have to do is to write an email to hongxiang@everyoneloveshongxiang.com, with a reason why you deserve to win the prize.
And of course, do include your contact details and mailing address, so I can send you your prize.
Please, for the love of God, keep your reason to a maximum of 100 words. This is because I will not read any novels written by Toh Piang Kor (or whatever) about why he deserves to win a prize.
Oh, if you're wondering why I have not mentioned anything about the prize, then congratulations! You've been paying attention!
Well, you see, the prize will be a mystery. I'm not saying it's related to chocolates but it does have something to do with this entry. And just to up the ante, I will include autographed signed memorabilia from myself.
This contest will end on 31 Jan 2008.
Time to lift your pens, ladies and gentlemen!
*Nah, I'm kidding. I'm not swearing on that.
Author: Ye » Comments:
