The first ever review on this blog.
Monday, March 26, 2007
Today, I am going to review something so cheap and ubiquitous that nobody ever takes a second glance at it.
Despite its uninspiring appearance, this particular item has arguably ended one of the most-debated mystery ever – the existence of God. The very existence of this item has mystified many skeptics and halted them in their quest for proof of the non-existence of God.
This relic is perhaps even holier than the Shroud of Turin, Veil of Veronica and Sudarium of Oviedo combined. Behold, the Box of Tissues!
Just like the three abovementioned (lesser) relics, the Box of Tissues can be used to wipe sweat, blood, or when used in big quantities, wrap a recently-crucified body. Hence, it is certainly not an exaggeration when I claim that the Box of Tissues is a modern manifestation of the prehistoric relics.
For the final, clinching proof that God really does exist, the Box of Tissues one-ups the other three relics by producing a miracle every time it is used. Every single time.
If there is no God, who in the world pops up the next tissue?
Now that we’ve established just how holy the Box of Tissues is, we shall examine why it is probably the most powerful tool to remind us of the omnipresence of God.
Even though nobody ever thinks about the Box of Tissues constantly, it is perpetually on the back of our mind. Whenever someone pukes on our couch, we don’t think Chicken-in-a-Biscuit, we think Tissues-in-a-Box. Whenever a baby drools, we don’t think Soup-in-a-Can, we think Tissues-in-a-Box. Point taken? Good.
Without further ado, we shall proceed to the review proper!
The Aesthetics
What I have here is an extremely edgy and contemporary Box of Tissues. Unlike most other Boxes of Tissues which simply state a Western last name like Scotts or Kleenex, the one I have actually state Collectables.
Hence, just like the name suggests, I have decided to collect them.
Though, I have to admit, I sometimes feel like they all look the same.
Toughness
A relic has to be really tough to withstand the test of time. Hence, I have decided to put the Box of Tissues to my own patented Relic-Stretch Test™.
Apprehensively, I stretched the Box of Tissues. I was initially afraid that the Test might be too much for the Box but I was wrong. The Box of Tissues turned into a funny shape, but it stayed intact.
Next up, the innards. I pulled out a piece of tissue (lo and behold, the next one pops up!), and proceeded to stretch it.
It endured the first few stretches, and then it happened.
I TORE A RELIC APART.
Now please excuse me while I go to bed and have a heart attack.
Author: Ye » Comments:
my visit to the doctor's.
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
On Monday, I woke up and felt like going to work. I'm serious! I actually thought that I should just turn up at the office and go through the motions.
Then I went to the toilet, coughed, and threw up a mouthful of blood.
I couldn't believe it and tried again. So I made myself cough, and then I threw up another mouthful of blood.
What a great way to start the day.
On one of the rare days when I actually feel like working, I puke blood. I guess I am not the working type of person.
So I had to go to the doctor's. I really hate going to the doctor's, and today's trip there will reinforce my hatred.
Why do I hate going to the doctor's?
Well, because other than the fact that I have Marfan's Syndrome, scoliosis, a windpipe that bleeds when I think of work, a chronic infatuation with the word 'dodgy' and a compulsive tendency to indulge in procrastination, I am really your average healthy guy.
(My automatic spell-check underlined the word 'dodgy' and suggested 'doggy' instead. I think I prefer the former.)
Anyhow, I went to the polyclinic and got myself registered. The only reason I like a polyclinic is because it is totally free. Due to my National Service status, I am entitled to free health care at all government hospitals and polyclinics. Sounds good, but I still don't believe it's a fair trade for two years of my life.
I got a queue number and an appointment card from the pre-registration booth and waited patiently for the number to appear on the screens. The screens read 19-something-something. My queue ticket said 2111. I glanced around and counted only about 50 others. I think the other 150 must be waiting in some other cool place and forgot about me. They never invite me to cool places.
I waited and waited till my number finally appeared. I trudged up to the counter and the counter-lady asked for my appointment card. I gave her the one I just got from the pre-registration booth. She looked at it, keyed in my NRIC number and glared at me.
'Next time, please remember to bring your own appointment card. It's not your first time here.'
Thanks for reminding me that I'm a regular at the polyclinic, but it's not exactly my fault that your pre-registration people shoved a new appointment card into my hand before I could say 'I already have one', right?
So I tried to bring the matter up to her, but she gave me a piece of paper that stated my doctor's room number and waved me off. I like to think that it was nothing personal.
I went to the waiting gallery and waited. What else can you do in a waiting gallery anyway? So I waited and waited. The screen above the doors informed me in a chirpy way with red LED lights that the waiting time for walk-in cases to see a doctor was '49 minutes'. I was quite comforted and settled into a chair.
Two hours later, I looked up and the same message scrolled happily across the screen.
Another fifty minutes passed by, and my number was finally called. I went into the doctor's room. The nice and friendly doctor told me that it was nothing big. She also informed me that if she vomited blood in the morning, she would freak out totally. Then, she prescribed some flu medicine. Apparently, she thinks that flu medicine will prevent me from puking blood.
She then asked if a one-day MC was fine. My brain screamed 'NOOOOOOOOO!' But all I could muster was a weak 'okay'. Wuss. Even though I am one of the most awesome guy most of the time, I can be a real wuss for some moments. Today happened to be one of my WussyTimes™.
But I think she noted some of my reluctance and offered me a two-day MC. My brain did a triple somersault and punched the air. Physically, I sat still and nodded, perhaps a bit too eagerly.
I caught the bus on my way back home. A young boy sat across me with his mum and started kicking me intermittently. I like to think that it was nothing personal.
Then he reached over to his mum's shopping bag and took out a six-pack of briefs. He flipped it around in his hands and I saw it.
Emblazoned across the crotch area of every brief was a logo of the Power Rangers. With the words 'Wild Force' underneath.
At that very moment, images of his mum in a Rita Repulsa-like costume appeared in my head. In those fleeting pictures, the mum threw a stick down into the ground and exclaimed 'Let my monster GROW!'
And that concludes my entry about my very disturbing trip to the doctor's.
Author: Ye » Comments:
The day I met Slipknot.
Friday, March 09, 2007
I was so freaking bored that I decided to drop by the library last night. I got myself four books and a chance encounter with Slipknot.
Honestly.
But that is not the point.
On my way back from the library, I saw a woman walking in front of me alone. Now just in case you people think that I am a stalker, I have to inform you that I am not interested in such hobbies at all. I do not stalk anyone. (Except you, Janice.)
Stalking people is so boring. I mean, it's just following someone to their house and going back to your own home afterwards. Where's the excitement in that? (Except when I follow Janice to Block 405 Admiralty Link #07... Oh you get the point.)
Now that you people are convinced of my innocence, I shall get on with my encounter. I was a comfortable distance away from the woman, but my persistent coughing and sniffing definitely announced my presence to her.
Perhaps as an additional way of announcing my presence, my left knee starting cracking every other step.
Here comes the One Man Band.
She started glancing back and I noticed that she was wearing a Slipknot tee. I also noticed that her expression was rather worried. She might be concerned that I am stalking her. I have to admit that, at that moment, I thought she was nuts. True, she looked like a Hollywood star, but unfortunately for her, that star happened to be Queen Latifah.
Anyway, she was just being presumptuous. I mean, just because a skinny, coughing, sniffing guy with a creaky joint is behind you, it doesn't mean that he is a drug addict trying to rob you, right?
Anyway, since Slipknot made an unlikely presumption, I decided to live with it. Everytime she glanced back, I pretended to look surprised and stare at something else. This sorta assured her that someone was following her.
As all coincidences go, Slipknot lived at my block. When I stood beside her, she glanced at me again. I gave her a smile, mouthed 'Hi' and started twiddling my thumbs. She started coughing nervously.
When the lift came, I boarded it first and held the door open for her. She appeared startled in this change of order and drifted into the lift. I made a point not to press the button for my floor.
Slipknot reached her level and went out. As the doors were closing, she turned and stared at me. I smiled and mouthed 'Bye', perhaps in a little menacing manner. Because I forgot to hit the button for my floor, the lift went down. I actually thought that this made the entire scene more believable.
Hopefully, Slipknot will learn her lesson and not pre-judge sick men who happens to follow her.
(Bye Janice!)
Author: Ye » Comments:
this post is full of shit
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
I haven't been posting much lately, simply because there hasn't been much to post about.
Everyday just seems to repeat itself.
Wake up, feel like shit.
Go to work, feel like shit.
The most exciting thing that happened to me over the past week or so was when I shat thrice this morning.
Quite explosive encounters, I must say.
Author: Ye » Comments:
