The golden god has met his nemesis.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
I have not been updating for a couple of reasons:
1) I have been sick from all the happiness surrounding the recent festivities. Now that the Season of Gambling is over, I am once again in the pink of health. My lymph nodes feel kinda swollen though, so I'm gonna have them checked...
2) I have met my nemesis.
I believe I have talked about my general distaste for happy festivals once or twice here, but I don't think I've ever mentioned my innate hatred for stupid people.
To be honest, I only discovered this passionate hatred recently, when a new colleague joined my department. For confidentiality reasons, I shall name her Blob (in view of her size and general flaccidness).
You see, the thing about Blob is that she thinks she's in her own wonderful world, where she's curvaceous, smart and doing great in her new job. Heck, she probably invented sunlight in Blob Kingdom!
Unfortunately for her (and many of us within the same office), everything is totally different in this real world (which incidentally is all about me).
For example, she is not curvaceous. Unless, of course, you believe that the circle is actually one big curve.
I shall not dwell on her size though, because that would be really personal and unfeeling (not to mention nauseating).
Blob is also dumb. She is so dumb that if she lost all her cognitive prowess one day, nobody would actually notice. You see, there are three kinds of people in the office; good workers, good-for-nothing workers, and then there's Blob.
As a matter of fact, just today, I had to explain a three-worded phrase to her four times. And these three words had an average of two syllables each.
Oh, and words. Don't even get me started.
Part of her job requires her to deal with people. Converse in English, write in English, the whole she-bang. Perhaps, in a Shakespearian twist of fate, Blob does not really know any English.
Well, okay, she does know a few words like food, spoon, Marks & Spencer's, and maybe even table, but she spells 'writing' with double ts!
But that's not all!
Like I mentioned earlier, Blob has to converse in English. However, it seems that she has this little speech impediment where she swallows up a few letters here and there.
For example, and this is my favourite by the way, nothing is ever pronounced 'never' in Blob Kingdom. No way.
In that wonderful place, the word 'never' is read as 'lehhhhhhh'. So everytime I say something contradictory to her simplistic notions, Blob looks deep into my eyes and go 'LEHHHHHHH MIND!'
Most of the time, I have to give in.
I mean, honestly, how can you argue with 'LEHHHHHHH MIND'?! She says the words with such heartfelt emotion and conviction!
I kinda worry for her though. Just imagine if she went to Cambodia for a holiday or something.
Author: Ye » Comments:
Fifteen days, or what makes me ill.
Monday, February 11, 2008
Due to the recent festivities, I am obligated and expected to make the following statement:
Happy Chinese New Year! (And a brilliant day to all other races of Singapore!)
Talking about obligations, being Chinese also means that I am not exonerated from the dubious task of visiting long-lost relatives and eating their food.
Unfortunately, despite what my parents may tell you, I am personally against house-visiting. In fact, when my parents brought up the issue of visiting my relatives, I replied that I would rather die.
Don't misunderstand me, because I really have nothing against these relatives. It's just a religion thing, and my religion just so happens to be against the pointless visitations of people who seem to have more children every year.
(Other things my religion frowns upon are the stairs, crusts on bread, working on Mondays, James Blunt and algebra.)
However, this religion is rather frowned upon in this secular society (along with other fun things like chewing gum, courtesy and opposition parties). Thus, I have to go through the motions and pretend to be amused when the kids of my cousins dip their hands into my food.
(Also, some of my younger cousins believe that blasting repetitive songs from their handphone gets people in the festive mood. Sometimes, this is true. However, this rule does not apply when the song, or duet, in this case, features a group of ladies going 'Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me' and the guy keeping mum in silent contemplation.)
Thanks to all this time spent in awkward silence in a related stranger's home, however, I have made an interesting, maybe even groundbreaking, observation.
You see, it was once thought that the Chinese were trying to take over the world, and that by increasing our ranks to 1/6th of the world population, we would soon be able to achieve our goal.
However, after musing for the past few days, I have noted that the previous notion was not true. In fact, it is well off the mark, like how people used to think that the world was flat and Vanilla Ice was cool.
In addition, I am also pleased to announce that the Chinese do not intend to take over the world. (We leave that to the Catholics, especially those of the Roman persuasion.)
The uncomfortable truth is, the Chinese go wherever the money is. That is why you see us in every single part of the world. Well, except for Africa perhaps.
Anyway, I believe many keen observers would also have noticed that we Chinese have a racial commitment to fleecing. Just think about it.
We have a festival called the Chinese New Year (intelligently abbreviated as 'CNY' by the masses), where married couples are obligated to give money to anyone who is not married.
In this same festival that lasts for 15 days, the Chinese are also expected to visit the homes of people whom they won't approach with a five-foot stick during the rest of the year. These said people will then have to meet the expectation of feeding their reluctant guests.
And that is not all.
The reluctant guests and their unfortunate hosts will then have to gather around a table and indulge in an ancient form of pagan worship known as gambling.
(Gambling is also known in certain circles as 'I-I-I-just-sat-there-for-a-couple-of-hours-and-then-poof-all-my-money-was-gone', 'today-is-my-lucky-day' or 'honey-I'll-be-working-late-tonight'.)
Some of you may brush it off as a government-sanctioned pastime, but let me assure you that it is not (those being stamp-collecting and train-spotting, as mentioned many times on this sorry excuse of a blog).
The truth is, the desire to gamble is written into our genes. I personally believe that it is right up there with 'breathe' and 'eat'. In fact, I think that the exact message may have been 'WIN HIS MONEY', or something to that effect.
And thus, due to this inherited genetic disorder, the ancient Chinese set aside 15 days in the lunar calender where every man shall gamble away their fortunes and blame everything on Lady Luck, or her absence, on the 16th day.
One might say that I am just a miserable person devoid of all respect for Chinese customs. Well, I beg to differ. For one, one says a lot of things. In fact, one just cannot shut up.
If you insist that I am miserable, rude and obnoxious, then I shall sit on my bed and think of groundless accusations against you. And I will do it.
That aside, I hope you have a merry festive season!
Author: Ye » Comments:
