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The global unemployment rate has dropped by two.

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Now I'm not too sure about this, but I think there could be a new president for the United States.


People who know me well would know that I am not interested in politics. Afterall, it is a pretty well-known fact that my interests lie primarily in the trajectory-prediction for rubber-band propelled ping pong balls.


However, this time around, I must admit that I am quite interested in the American election. This is because for the first time ever, a non-human is running for the second most important office in the whole world (the first being the presidency of Jamaica, naturally).


Allow me to introduce the latest innovation of Oprah Inc. - Barack Obama v1.0



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According to the press release from Oprah Inc., Barack Obama v1.0, or BOVIO for short, is the 'child' of a Kenyan robot. BOVIO, in my opinion, is a huge upgrade because while the previous Kenyan version ran for food, the American BOVIO ran for presidency.



The media has been hailing this year's election as a historic one, and I'm afraid I'll have to agree. For one, this will be the only 2008 presidential election ever.



It is also the first ever election in the world that pits a robot against The Oldest Man Alive (TOMA) John McCain.



Now that the polls have ended, it is apparent that people generally prefer robots over old people. The main reason for this, in my opinion, is because robots are generally more productive. Furthermore, robots usually last longer than old people.



Honestly, I couldn't see another outcome in this race.



Speaking about myself, I am now a part of the Singaporean workforce. After my experimentation with my resume, I managed to snag a job after about four interviews.



I now spend my days in a modern and edgy office adorned with vintage movie posters. The walls are painted black and you can't really get edgier than that. I mean, seriously, black walls is the new black.



I also have the priviledge of sitting under the skirt of Audrey Hepburn. I was told that this is part of my employee benefits package and I am now enjoying it to the fullest.



People who know me would also know my contempt for 8-to-5 or 9-6 jobs. This job is therefore officially perfect for me because it is a 10-7 job. I really can't find a reason to not like it.



Oh, and did I mention that the wall behind the cistern is decorated with this poster?



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Just look at the apprehension on Clive Owen's face. There really isn't a bigger boost to a male ego than a Hollywood action star looking at your package in fear.



Every. Single. Time.

Author: Ye » Comments:

Nostradamus 2.0

Thursday, October 09, 2008

It is neither my position nor my desire to share this grave news with you, but please bear with me - the world is ending in four years.

Now in case you start thinking that I am bucking the trend and talking senseless on this blog, please read this link.

For all you amateurs out there, the link explains that many years ago, a bunch of science nerds got together and invented a programme that could predict the future.

The programme does this by sending spiders out onto the Interweb while we're all asleep. These spiders then read the things that we say on the Interweb (!) and use the readings to predict the future.

It does this by searching for certain keywords and checking the text before and after the keyword. That is, apparently, our unconscious mind typing. For example, if a spider was to chance upon the previous paragraph looking for the keyword 'future', it would see that the text before and after 'future' was 'the' and '.' This means that there is only one future and that it's ending.

Wow, is that spooky or what?

It also means that the poor people who can't afford the Interweb is not involved in predicting the future at all. Which is fair, really, because hungry people usually are depressed and would think that the world is ending faster than it really is.

So where did these spiders come from? Nobody really knows. What I can tell you for sure is this - the spiders think that we only got four years left.

Now before you get all gloomy, let me tell you this - four years is a pretty long time to be prepared. Also, it is nice to know the year you'll die in. Treasure that, because it is a luxury most of our great-grandparents did not have. Well, except for those whose ancestors were sentenced to die.

Finally, before you leave this blog and inform the masses of the impending doom, do remember to eat blueberry pies. You've only got four years left, and you wouldn't wanna die without ever eating one. Cause that, my dear readers, would really suck.

Author: Ye » Comments:

Silence is not boring

Monday, April 14, 2008

Most of you folks probably don't understand this - and there's no need for you to worry about it - that there's a lot of drama and tension in writing a blog entry.

For example, I had to struggle on what to actually write about in this current entry.

Should I bore you about my daily mundane life and include things like what I ate, where I ate and describe every single conversation I had with everyone?

Should I write about John McCain's recent visit to Iraq, which is known as Mesopotamia to the ancient himself?

Should I talk about my futile wait for Momma Jolie's adoption attempt?

Or should I join the masses and write something about the rising food prices, crashing world economy and the overall devastation brought upon Mother Earth by a race of vermin otherwise known as mankind?

After much deliberation, I have decided to write a piece about something so gut-wrenching and plaintive that it could bring tears to every single eye on a potato.

I broke my earphones two weeks back.

It was a terrible (or as Charles Barkley say it, TRBL) tragedy, because of my general hatred for other sentient beings.

You see, the reason why I loved my earphones so much wasn't because of its snazzy color combination, cheap build or cheaper price. I loved it because it blocked out sounds from external sources, i.e. other humans and whatever they happen to be travelling on.

And so for two weeks, I had to go through the ordeal of listening to other humans' futile attempts at communication.

It was TRBL.

However, like I always like to say, as long as I am still on this side of the cold meat counter of a cannibal market, I will try to solve every single tragedy that befalls upon me. And so, I applied the HongXiang Method.

The first step did not work, however, so I had to throw money into a new pair of earphones.

So I did.

I got myself a pair of kooky-looking earphones known as the Westone UM1. Nobody I've talked to actually knows anything about this brand or model, but I was still prepared to shell out big bucks for it because it is one of the few items on the rack that managed to insert both alphabetical and numerical forms of the same digit into a product name.

You can't beat that for value, really.

Anyway, I've had the Westone UM1 for about five days now. It has been awesome. (How would Charles pronounce this? AWSM?)

For one, and I think I've mentioned this before, the Westone UM1 looks kooky.

People used to walk up and start talking to me when I had one of those normal-looking earphones. They actually expected me to take out my earphones, listen to their problems and give them advice.

Not anymore.

The beauty of the Westone UM1 is that it looks like a pair of hearing aids. It's amazing. (AMZN?)

Having a pair of hearing-aid-lookalikes in my ears naturally lead people to assume that I am deaf. And people generally do not talk to deaf people. It is some kind of prejudice, I believe, but I like it because I no longer have to solve any problems of other people.

In fact, I fully expect people to make attempts at talking to me and apologise in an extremely guilty manner after I gesticulate wildly in mock sign language.

What a beautiful scene.

Another advantage of the Westone UM1 is that it filters out external sound. I no longer have to listen to the polite conversations between doctors and accountants and lawyers and women with severe haircuts and halitosis.

Some may argue that wearing such earphones may be dangerous because I will not be able hear any oncoming dangers. However, I want to assure you that it is not true. (I really appreciate your concern, though.)

The reason lies in a very simple Science law - light is faster than sound.

And by extension, I will be able to see any oncoming dangers before being able to hear them.

With this law of Science in mind, I believe it is safe to state that one is perfectly fine even if one cannot hear the rush of traffic, the whine of a crashing plane or the war cry of a Samurai running at one's throat with a sword.

(I do not know where I got the last comment from, but I swear it sounded like a good line to end this entry with when it was in my head.)

Author: Ye » Comments: