The first ever review on this blog.
Monday, March 26, 2007
Today, I am going to review something so cheap and ubiquitous that nobody ever takes a second glance at it.
Despite its uninspiring appearance, this particular item has arguably ended one of the most-debated mystery ever – the existence of God. The very existence of this item has mystified many skeptics and halted them in their quest for proof of the non-existence of God.
This relic is perhaps even holier than the Shroud of Turin, Veil of Veronica and Sudarium of Oviedo combined. Behold, the Box of Tissues!
Just like the three abovementioned (lesser) relics, the Box of Tissues can be used to wipe sweat, blood, or when used in big quantities, wrap a recently-crucified body. Hence, it is certainly not an exaggeration when I claim that the Box of Tissues is a modern manifestation of the prehistoric relics.
For the final, clinching proof that God really does exist, the Box of Tissues one-ups the other three relics by producing a miracle every time it is used. Every single time.
If there is no God, who in the world pops up the next tissue?
Now that we’ve established just how holy the Box of Tissues is, we shall examine why it is probably the most powerful tool to remind us of the omnipresence of God.
Even though nobody ever thinks about the Box of Tissues constantly, it is perpetually on the back of our mind. Whenever someone pukes on our couch, we don’t think Chicken-in-a-Biscuit, we think Tissues-in-a-Box. Whenever a baby drools, we don’t think Soup-in-a-Can, we think Tissues-in-a-Box. Point taken? Good.
The Aesthetics
What I have here is an extremely edgy and contemporary Box of Tissues. Unlike most other Boxes of Tissues which simply state a Western last name like Scotts or Kleenex, the one I have actually state Collectables.
Hence, just like the name suggests, I have decided to collect them.
Though, I have to admit, I sometimes feel like they all look the same.
Toughness
A relic has to be really tough to withstand the test of time. Hence, I have decided to put the Box of Tissues to my own patented Relic-Stretch Test™.
Apprehensively, I stretched the Box of Tissues. I was initially afraid that the Test might be too much for the Box but I was wrong. The Box of Tissues turned into a funny shape, but it stayed intact.
Next up, the innards. I pulled out a piece of tissue (lo and behold, the next one pops up!), and proceeded to stretch it.
It endured the first few stretches, and then it happened.
I TORE A RELIC APART.
Now please excuse me while I go to bed and have a heart attack.
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